How to remain self-aware and centred when triggered

Steve Ray charts a roadmap to staying wise

One of the biggest questions that people ask in our facilitation training, is “How do I know if I’m acting from that wise owl place, or if a bear is at play? I want to be wise, but sometimes I’m not sure if it’s me or the other person”.

For the uninitiated (to our self-awareness model) bears represent those reactive parts within us that will often jump  up when we are activated or triggered. Their voices of discontent can be very strong!

Unfortunately, the result can be disastrous if we simply follow along and express these initial internal reactions because our emotions are activated. When we follow a bear, we can deepen a problem because that bear will encourage other bears to come out (in other people as well as ourselves) and then the dynamic between us and another will further decline.

Our Wise One (the Owl) on the other hand is the calm, centred part of us that acts from a place of kindness and connection. Part of not knowing if it’s a bear or if it’s our Owl comes from the fact that we are rarely completely one or the other. So we need to look for the signs to see what’s going on.

So … we thought we’d create a little checklist of what to look out for in yourself and others, and HOW to stay more connected to your Wise Owl.

IF IT’S A BEAR …

• You’ll often feel it first. Our reactive selves (bears) are driven by emotion and that’s something that we feel in our bodies as hormones are released to deal with the threat (eg. a challenging opinion or suggestion) in front of us.  Watch for breathlessness, a speeding up of the conversation and a feeling of urgency.

• Watch for the strong storyline in your head “This is ridiculous” “I’m fed up with this” “What a joke?” “How boring!” “Is she for real!?” etc etc. Such storylines are flags – definitely red in colour! If we release these strong and judgmental stories into the world (either through speaking them or with our body language) we will deepen disconnection and increase conflict. Realise them for what they are: stories we are making up in our head.

• No consideration for others When you lose the capacity to be considered in your response and you feel a strong need to take someone on or alternatively, a strong urge to run, that’s a sign that a bear is lurking. When the message that’s coming through is: Attack or run … whatever you do: REACT! then it’s a bear for sure.

• Strong opinions When you feel absolute certainty about anything, the chances are good that a bear wants to jump in and grab the limelight. In these moments, we become more tunnel-vision focused, desperate to say our piece and, at the expense of others, we usually stop listening. What we say can often be strident, absolutist and bullish.

• Disconnection If you feel lost or disengaged, it’s usually a bear trying to protect you from what is happening in the group. Typically, disengagement comes when we feel disempowered.

• Acting unkindly Unkindness is only possible when we deliberately act to block the kindness that otherwise flows naturally from our hearts. While it might take a while to warm up to someone before we notice the kindness, it does happen automatically unless we put up a barrier. A barrier results in unkindness where we are actively pushing away others and deliberately making sure that we don’t connect, for whatever reason. Our bears use unkindness when they don’t like someone or how they behave. Owls are kind and compassionate regardless of whether they like someone. Usually we are somewhere in between one or the other.

 FINDING THE OWL IN THE MOMENT

It’s one thing to know if a bear is in play or not. It’s another to sufficiently have your wits about you to override the bear action before it’s too late. Bears are fast and will outplay the considered and logical mind in a heartbeat, unless we employ some “in the moment” strategies that can get ahead of them as soon as we detect their presence. 

• Breathe Sometimes your best response – at least initially – is to say nothing … a simple, slow breath in and out can help you let go of rising tension signalling the presence of a bear. This will help your nervous system settle.  By the time you speak, what you say will be much more considered and likely to be received better by others.

• Slow down Anything that creates urgency (eg. running out of time) will speed things up. But things can speed up as emotions rise and as this happens we double down on our own way of seeing the world and become less able and willing to hear anything different. As this builds, notice it and deliberately work against it. Even saying “can we just slow down a little” can be helpful because everyone is a player in these moments.

• Reflect back what you are hearing If you find yourself becoming frustrated at what you are hearing, then it’s YOU who needs to listen better, not the other person who has to change what they are saying. No one ever changed what they were saying because someone else was frustrated! Until we ourselves can demonstrate that we are doing our utmost to listen to what we are finding challenging, no one will return the same courtesy. Show them you’re trying: “Let me make sure I’m hearing what you are saying .. .because I’m finding it challenging .. are you saying X, Y and Z? Is that right?” Once the person replies, you have bought yourself time to answer with more openness and understanding.

• Adjust your posture. You may need to sit forward or find a way that works for you of signalling your engagement. Seems like nothing, but your posture of engagement will help you unconsciously be more present and connected with the situation. Watch you don’t hold your body, or try to in some way protect yourself through closing your body. This will affect how you speak and what you say. Sometimes walking a few steps can also help.

STAYING WISE – PREPARATION

• Sleep Make sure you have had enough sleep. Being tired is like putting out pots of honey for bears to feast on. Don’t miss sleep!

• Preparation Are you prepared? Don’t wing it if you know the situation requires you to be across some detail. If you are underprepared, you will put pressure on yourself making it less easy to be wise.

• What role are you in? Remind yourself of your role and the role of others.  People are always responding from roles, either structural ones or social ones. Being aware that people can be caught up in their roles will help you cut some slack on behaviours and bring compassion to your interactions. 

Finally, never forget bears are there to help us! Resisting their strong and potentially damaging influence in our interactions with others will simply increase their activity.  We need to listen to our bears carefully, validate their contribution and discover how they are trying to help, so we know clearly WHAT action to take.